It looks like my pumping days are almost over, and not by choice. I planned on pumping for at least a year, with the hopes that Kellen might still latch on and nurse exclusively. Although it doesn't look like that will ever happen since he has been latching on less and less every day. Anyways, I have no problems continuing to pump since I wanted him to keep receiving breastmilk until he is at least one. But, lately I've been pumping less and less despite my efforts. When I went to the doctor yesterday for my colposcopy/biopsy results(normal, thank God), I asked her about this. Her advice was to drink plenty of water and pump more often, which I already have been trying. She said some women just dry up(especially when pumping). If after a few days, it still doesn't increase, then it is most likely not going to.
I'm trying to feel good about the fact that at least he has received my milk exclusively for almost 4 and 1/2 months, but it's still hard. I went to buy formula yesterday to supplement with a few bottles a day to help my milk go further(I still have a huge freezer stash), and I couldn't decide what to get. Nothing seemed good enough. I don't get it though. All my other kids were formula fed after nursing was unsuccessful, and only received breastmilk for the first month or so, why is it such a big deal for me now? They are all happy, very healthy, and very intelligent. I also think about how much easier my life will be not being attached to the pump. But, it's not about what is easier for me, but what is best for my baby. We all know breastmilk is best, even when from a bottle.
I need to stop with the Mother's guilt. It was not my choice that he arrive 6 weeks early. It was not my choice that he had a hard time latching on. It was not my choice that he stay in the hospital for the first five weeks of his life, and it was definitely not my choice that my milk supply has started decreasing. I have done all I can to give him the best start possible, and formula will help him continue to grow and thrive. Luckily, I still have about four months worth of milk in the freezer, so with supplementing a few bottles a day, I may have enough to last him quite awhile.
I am still pumping for most of his bottles throughout the day, and the more I attempt to nurse him, even if he doesn't, the more my body will be stimulated. But, no matter what happens I need to just realize that I gave 100% in doing what was best for my son from the very beginning, even if it does make me kind of sad to think of him getting "artifical milk".