7 years....

Seven years ago today, my life changed forever. July 1, 2003 was the day that Josh and I "officially" became a couple. The last seven years have been the most amazing, wonderful, and beautiful years of my life. My husband has not just become my spouse, but my partner, my soul mate, my best friend, and my confidant. He is the love of my life, my rock, and my equal. The last seven years have been filled with happiness, grief, joy, faith, sadness, hope, and love. Together we have grown as people, parents, and a couple.
I look forward to what God has in store for us as the future unfolds. I am so very blessed for my children, my marriage, my friends, my family, and my life. Thank you baby, for choosing me as your life partner and the mother of your children. I love you so very much, always and forever. Here is to many, many more years and memories together!

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Renewed

The Lord is doing amazing things with our family! This Sunday my husband are getting baptized! I am so excited and happy about taking this step together. It has changed our relationship in a way I never even dreamed of, as only having God as our foundation can do. We are truly blessed.
We have encountered some negative reactions, but are persevering and will not back down! This isn't about being religious, but about having a close relationship with Christ and putting God in control of our lives. After years of praying for Josh to have a relationship with the Lord, it is so amazing to see God work through him. He has amazing plans for this family, and am looking forward to our future growing in love and faith, and teaching our children about the wonders of the Lord.

My sweet little man

His first swing ride!

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8 months old

It's been 8 months today since my precious little miracle man arrived into this world. I can not believe how quickly his first year is flying by, and before I know it, we will be getting ready for his first birthday. He is growing so quickly and is becoming more and more his own person. He is now sitting up and attempting at crawling, although he does get to where he wants to by rolling everywhere. He is definitely going at a slower pace than his sister, but that's ok. This little guy does things on his own terms, and that's ok with me!
Happy 8 month birthday Kellen, and thank you for choosing me as your mommy!

Life...

I haven't blogged in awhile, so as the babies nap I thought I'd take a minute to update.
Life as we know it is going pretty good right now, despite a few setbacks. We are all getting over a pretty nasty cold, and Kellen ended up getting an ear infection from it, poor guy. Of course the antibiotics have also given him a nasty side effect, so we've been going through many dirty diaper changes lately. He only has two more doses left, so hopefully this will all be behind us very soon. He has also been a little more fussy and clingy lately, so I'm hoping his teeth will finally grace us with their appearance soon. He is over 7 months now, and although he is behind his sister physically a bit(but still within normal), he is growing so quickly. He is now close to 17lbs, and rolling over all over the place. That is when he is content not being held, which isn't very often. He adores his brother and sisters, and they him. He is a great eater and overall joy to be around.
Josh and I have been doing pretty well in our quest to get healthy. Even in spite of the fact that I had to take over two weeks off because my cold(and then Kellen's) had gotten so bad. I'm still losing weight though, and it feels so good to watch the numbers on the scale go down. The gym is my refuge and stress relief, and I really look forward to my morning workouts. I love watching my muscles grow, especially when Josh starts noticing too. I am seriously addicted!
The biggest change in our life has been that Josh has found the Lord! I have prayed for this for years, and feel so blessed that he has opened himself up to it. We are attending church regularly as a family, and it has definitely strengthened our marriage. After all, God should be the foundation. I feel so blessed beyond words and thank God every day for giving me such an amazing husband. I am so proud that my kids have such a wonderful male role model in their lives. I am looking forward to this new chapter and watching us grow as a family in Christ.

The babies

My boys

My oldest with my youngest

Me and my little monkey

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is March 10, and it's been two years since that fateful day in my OB's office when I found out I had lost our baby. I'm having a whirlwind of different emotions since it's also the first time going through this anniversary since having my Rainbow baby, Kellen. Last year I was just a few months pregnant with him, so I couldn't feel sadness. I refused to, just in case. But now that he's here, and he's happy and healthy, I am able to feel what I need to feel.
I know he was the baby I was meant to have, without a doubt. But it doesn't make losing the other pregnancies any easier. Kellen completes me, so to speak, and has completed our family. I feel so unbelievably blessed that he chose me as his mother. He is such an angel, and so happy, most of the time. I will also remember my angel babies fondly, and the dates that I lost them will forever be engraved in my mind. 4-1-05, 3-10-08, and 7-27-08. I know that they are waiting for me in heaven, and I will be with them someday. Just think of how amazing that day will be! Mommy loves you, and can't wait to spend eternity with you.

Eating bananas for the first time!

He ate it all!

5 months!

After giving the rice cereal to Kellen only a few times over the last few weeks, I decided to go ahead and try giving some banana to him this morning. He has been waking up in the middle of the night consistently over the last week or so, so I thought maybe he does need something a little more than just milk. It was my first time preparing the food for him, and I must say it wasn't hard or terribly time consuming, but it definitely wasn't as quick and easy as popping the lid off of a jar of commercial baby food. First, I had a hard time getting it to the consistency I wanted. I mashed it with a fork and added breastmilk to thin it out a bit, but it was still was a bit lumpy. He seemed to tolerate it just fine. I was worried it would be too lumpy, but I guess I'm just being over paranoid. My kids tend to have a very easy gag reflex, but he ate it with no problems. Boy, did he! He loved
it(no surprise there) and gobbled it all up.
It is still so hard for me to think of how far he has come in such a short time. I can't believe he was just born almost 5 months ago(on Friday), so tiny and now is such a big boy! His new favorite things are standing(he gets so excited), and being naked. Those things make him so unbelievably happy! He also is teething like crazy(he has two teeth cutting through on the bottom), and is trying to grab everything and put it in his mouth!
Every time I look at my kids, I am reminded of how unbelievably blessed I am. I am so lucky to be their mommy!

So Bummed...

So, yesterday we went and did some major shopping and I had my list of everything that I wanted and needed to get. But I am so bummed because they didn't have the exersaucer/jumperoo thingy I've been wanting to get Kellen for just about forever! It is the same one I've been wanting for almost two years, but I was waiting to get it until Kellen could actually use it. It was just at Babies R Us a few weeks or so ago, and yesterday when we went they didn't have it! They didn't even have any I liked. I am so bummed! I also wanted to get Kellen some really cute binkys, and they were out of those too. Needless to say I am very upset that I didn't just buy these things a few months ago. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to get them.
I was hoping that an exersaucer could be my answer to getting Kellen content to play on his own for a little bit. Although he did make some progress yesterday. I put him in his bouncy seat so I could take a shower and he was totally content the entire time! I then tested my luck and pumped before I put him to bed, and he ended up falling asleep next to me. That is some major progress. I have spoiled this kid to end with him sleeping with me, so that was kind of a big deal to me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having him sleep with me, I just want to be able to put him down when I need to.
But back to the shopping trip, all in all it was pretty successful. Although I didn't find any clothes for me that I liked, I did get some much needed new makeup. It is so hard for me not to go crazy at the MAC makeup counter, but with Josh and the kids with me, it forced me to stick to my list. I just tend to get hypnotized by all the pretty eyeshadows. I want to get them all, but I try to stick to the colors I know I'll actually use, with a few different ones in the mix for when I want to change it up a bit. I did get a blush(a shimmery peachy color, so pretty!), powder, eyeliner, lipgloss, and mascara also, and ended up getting three new eyeshadows. I also bought myself a new makeup case(mine was getting too small) and some new hot rollers. I can't wait to use my new hot rollers today! I was a little bummed though that I didn't find any new clothes I liked, but it's also hard for me
to shell out money for clothes when I'm trying to lose weight. So, I guess I'll just save it for when I do get to my goal weight and need a whole new wardrobe(it WILL happen!).
So far the weight loss has been pretty slow. I do feel a little firmer, but my weight is only down a few pounds. Although I can now wear jeans that I couldn't even button a month ago, so that's promising. I just wish it came off easier! I'm going to try to kick up my diet a little bit more and see if that helps. My metabolism is pretty dead, so I'm trying to eat more often to speed it up. I'd like to lose at least 30lbs by the time we go to Vegas in June. I don't think it's going to happen, but I'm sure going to try! But, I do want to be at my goal weight by Kellen's first birthday, so that gives me 7 months to lose 40lbs! I think I can do that. I just wish it was as easy to lose it as it was to gain it! But I guess that's why so many people are now overweight. I just keep trying to tell myself that the I slower I lose it, the more likely it is I'll be able to keep it off. Slow and
steady wins the race.....right?! I sure hope so!

Trying Not to Quit

As I posted a few days ago, my supply has decreased dramatically, and it has got me really down. I've been "trying" to do what I can, but I know I haven't been doing everything I should. It has made me pretty depressed about it, but with Kellen's recent crankiness due to teething, I really haven't been able to pump more often. I was trying to feel okay about stopping pumping, but I just can't bring myself to do it! So I decided to really give it one last shot to see if I can get my supply back up. I'm going to give it two weeks to see if it helps, and then if it doesn't increase at least I know I exhausted all my efforts! So, not only am I going to increase pumping times, do some power pumping when possible, drink more water, and continue eating oatmeal, I'm going to also try a supplement that a friend recommended. I really hope this works! I did find out recently that my mom's milk
supply dried up around the three month mark, and she was breastfeeding exclusively, so who knows. But, at least I know I tried everything. Every time I have to make a bottle of formula, it makes me so sad! Luckily, he still gets mainly breastmilk thanks to a huge freezer stash, but I'd like him to continue to get breastmilk until at least the one year mark. I'd even settle for half breastmilk and half formula.
As long as I can still get milk out, I'll continue to pump. It's just too important to me just to stop. But I hope and pray I can get it back up to at least 25oz a day. I was pumping 40oz, but now I usually only get between 10-15oz.
So, I'm thinking lots of positive thoughts and know that even if he eventually only gets one breastmilk bottle a day, that is still better than nothing!

Kellen's First Bite!

Bon Appetit

Little man is starting solids! After much debate on when I should start him on food(his Ped says 4mon is ok, the AAP recommends 6mon), I decided that since I started the other kids around the 5mon mark, he should too.
So, armed with cute new bowls and new baby spoons, I fed him Organic brown rice cereal mixed with breastmilk as his first food. I was going to let this first feeding show me if he really is ready for solids or not. Boy is he! He LOVED every single bite! He was even opening his mouth wide in anticipation! It was such a wonderful moment!
I have always fed my babies Gerber baby food, but a few years ago I decided that when we did have another baby I would make his baby food from scratch. I am so excited about making it for him! I'm going next week to buy my supplies and a highchair. We gave Emma's away, and he doesn't like reclining in his seat. Right now I'm feeding him while Josh holds him sitting up on his lap. But it gets a little messy pretty fast, and I don't think my husband appreciates Kellen's cereal all over his favorite pajama pants.
Next I'm planning on trying banana and avocado. Then probably sweet potato, apple, squash, and green bean. I'm really hoping I'll be able to find everything organic, as that is very important to me. I'm trying not to re-create whatever I did wrong with Emma's diet. She is my only picky eater. She was a great eater as a baby, but once she started really feeding herself, her stubbornness starting playing a bigger role. I'm hoping I won't have the same problem with Kellen, but I'm ensuring he gets the healthiest start possible, just in case.
It's so hard to believe he is already old enough for foods! I feel so blessed that he is getting so big after starting out so tiny. What a lucky mom I am!

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It looks like my pumping days are almost over, and not by choice. I planned on pumping for at least a year, with the hopes that Kellen might still latch on and nurse exclusively. Although it doesn't look like that will ever happen since he has been latching on less and less every day. Anyways, I have no problems continuing to pump since I wanted him to keep receiving breastmilk until he is at least one. But, lately I've been pumping less and less despite my efforts. When I went to the doctor yesterday for my colposcopy/biopsy results(normal, thank God), I asked her about this. Her advice was to drink plenty of water and pump more often, which I already have been trying. She said some women just dry up(especially when pumping). If after a few days, it still doesn't increase, then it is most likely not going to.
I'm trying to feel good about the fact that at least he has received my milk exclusively for almost 4 and 1/2 months, but it's still hard. I went to buy formula yesterday to supplement with a few bottles a day to help my milk go further(I still have a huge freezer stash), and I couldn't decide what to get. Nothing seemed good enough. I don't get it though. All my other kids were formula fed after nursing was unsuccessful, and only received breastmilk for the first month or so, why is it such a big deal for me now? They are all happy, very healthy, and very intelligent. I also think about how much easier my life will be not being attached to the pump. But, it's not about what is easier for me, but what is best for my baby. We all know breastmilk is best, even when from a bottle.
I need to stop with the Mother's guilt. It was not my choice that he arrive 6 weeks early. It was not my choice that he had a hard time latching on. It was not my choice that he stay in the hospital for the first five weeks of his life, and it was definitely not my choice that my milk supply has started decreasing. I have done all I can to give him the best start possible, and formula will help him continue to grow and thrive. Luckily, I still have about four months worth of milk in the freezer, so with supplementing a few bottles a day, I may have enough to last him quite awhile.
I am still pumping for most of his bottles throughout the day, and the more I attempt to nurse him, even if he doesn't, the more my body will be stimulated. But, no matter what happens I need to just realize that I gave 100% in doing what was best for my son from the very beginning, even if it does make me kind of sad to think of him getting "artifical milk".

A Mom's Torture Device

If any mom out there has ever exclusively pumped then you can understand how quickly a breast pump can become a torture device. Pumping breastmilk exclusively for your baby can quickly become emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. This usually isn't something a new mom chooses, but stumbles across due to chance or circumstance. For me it started with the premature birth of my son. Because he was in the NICU, I started pumping right away being unable to nurse him. It was tiring, but not too bad. I pumped round the clock in the hospital trying to get my milk to come in, and then once it did I got an amazing sense of accomplishment each time I walked those little bottles of my "liquid gold" down to the NICU to help nourish my tiny baby.
When I came home from the hospital and had to leave my baby behind, pumping was something that kept me emotionally close to him 24-7. It was the one thing I could do to help him get big and strong so he could come home. Over the course of the five weeks he was in the hospital, he started wanting to latch on to me less and less. He became so use to the bottle that it was just too taxing to nurse, and I didn't want him to wear himself out. I finally decided to give up on nursing(although I still try about once a day. Sometimes he will, sometimes he won't) and continue to pump. I've been able to feed him breastmilk exclusively for these past four months and even build a great freezer stash.
But lately I've been having a hard time pumping enough for his daily demands, and I usually have to thaw out one or two bags of frozen milk to make it through the day.
So yesterday I decided to have a pumping marathon! I was going to pump every two hours to see if I could increase my supply back up. I was doing great until early evening. I was about five minutes into pumping when I looked down and saw bright pink milk in the bottle on the left side. I freaked out, stopped pumping and noticed my nipple was bleeding! I was surprised, shocked, and a little grossed out. I put some lanolin on it, switched to a larger horn, and decided to give it a rest for the rest of the night.
I want to quit so bad, but I can't bring myself to do it. The thought of having to give him formula makes me sad. I feel so good about the fact that he is still receiving my milk, and I don't want to lose that! Every time I look at his sweet little rolls, I'm reminded that I did that!! With my provided nutrition he has been able to grow ansd thrive and barely resembles the tiny, scrawny baby he once was.
I guess I'll just take it one day at a time, and try not to be so hard on myself. The older he gets, the easier the pumping will be, and I have to remember that. After all, I can never get this time back and I want no regrets over anything. It's ok for me to hate it, because the amazing feeling I get when I feed him a bottle of my milk overshadows it completely. I won't have to pump forever, but the benefits of him receiving my milk will last a lifetime. That to me is worth it.

A few pics

Emma's 4th birthday

Check ups!

The little ones had their well-child visits yesterday, and I must say I feel so blessed to have such healthy kids!
After starting out so small, Kellen is gaining well! He is now up to 14lbs 4oz and is 24in long! He is in the 25th percentile for height and 50th for weight. He is rolling over and so close to laughing! A lot of the issues we were having with him being so fussy seem to be gone. He is such a happy and good-natured baby. He is still pretty much on only breastmilk, although if I have a low supply day he might end up needing one bottle of formula. But, thanks to my huge supply of frozen milk, that doesn't happen very often. Although I do look forward to the day I get to retire my pump!
Emma is going to end up being short like her mommy! She is weighing 30lbs and is 37in tall, putting her in the 10th percentile for both height and weight. The doctor predicted her height will end up being around 5'1" or 5'2". But she is so smart, and our only issues is her pickiness about her food. But the doctor said just keep offering, but don't push, and she should come around eventually. I sure hope so! I just hope Kellen doesn't end up being picky like her. I am planning on making his baby food myself, so hopefully that will help a bit. I can't believe how fast these kids are growing!

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Emma at the doctor

Fw:

He's here! I know I haven't updated in over 5 months, but Kellen Charles Scott arrived 6 weeks early on 9-12-09 at 6:04am weighing 4lbs 12oz and 17in long.