So, for my very first Show and Tell, I thought I would post this, it's apparently what our next baby will look like according to Volkswagen! I saw this on a friend's blog and that it was kind of cute. He's pretty goofy looking, but not too bad, but I don't know where he got those ears from! Neither Josh nor I have ears like that. Oh, well. Happy Sunday!
Make your own here
Lately I have been thinking a lot about trying again for another baby. I feel I am now at the point where my desire to have a baby is greater than my fear of losing another one. I am a woman on a mission! I am determined to make the next pregnancy stick! Or at least, I will do my part. We are hoping to finally go and get all our testing done next week. The doctor feels everything will come back normal, but at least we will know for sure if there is a cause for these miscarriages. One thing that the doctor is pretty sure about is that it is somehow related to Josh, since I didn't have any miscarriages with my ex. He doesn't think that there is something "wrong" with him, but more like us as a combination. He feels that maybe my body is for some reason fighting off Josh's babies, so to speak. Having had high blood pressure when I was pregnant with Emma is also an indication. Regardless, I am optimistic that we can and will have another baby! One treatment option that has shown some success in these type of situations is baby aspirin and progesterone supplements. It's one of those things that can't hurt, and might help. I am all for it!
There is a possibility that maybe my body has just changed. I was reading an article about the recent birth of Lisa Marie Presley's twin girls. In it she stated that she had suffered many miscarriages after having two kids years ago(they are now teenagers) and didn't know why. She later found out that over time her blood had thickened, causing blood clots, and that was the cause. She was put on blood thinners, and conceived her twins quickly after that. Her story really gave me hope! It is possible(and highly likely) that is what is going on with me, although who knows why. Of course, I am not a doctor and I am not trying to diagnose myself, but it does help to hear success stories. I am pretty much certain that it is some sort of blood clotting issue since the only successful pregnancy I have had with Josh did consist of high blood pressure, which my doctor said goes along with a blood clotting issue. All this I will discuss with my doctor after he gets all my tests results, and we know for sure if there is anything going on. Who knows? Maybe we've just had "bad luck" and we just need to keep trying. Regardless, I WILL have a baby at the end of this! I'm not sure how many more miscarriages I will have to endure(hopefully none), but I will keep trying. I know that is what I am supposed to do. It just feels right.
So, in the meantime, I am trying to get my body healthier. Caffeine and alcohol are both linked to miscarriage, so I am going to cut those out completely. The alcohol shouldn't be an issue. I usually only drink about once every few weeks or so as it is, and I can just take a hot bath to give the same effect as that glass(or two) of wine. But the caffeine....now that is going to be a whole different story! I have a serious coffee addiction! I don't drink a lot of coffee, just maybe one or two cups a day, but I get some serious withdrawals when I don't have any. I get cranky, irritable, and a headache that lasts for 3 days. It is horrible, so I am just going to try to wean myself off slowly. For my family's sake, more so than mine! I'm adding more physical activity to my day, to help me lose a few pound first, and to keep me healthier overall. I have never stopped taking prenatal vitamins, so I am going to continue taking those. I also am taking extra folic acid, and vitamins B6, B12, C, and E, along with the baby aspirin.
So, I am sending positive thoughts out into the universe, and letting nature take it's course. It will happen when it's meant to, even if it is not on my time table. Apparently, that seems to be they way everything that is worth it in my life goes! I guess God really does know what's best for me, and I know when the time is right, He will work His miracle!
For Christmas this year we bought the kids "Rock Band 2", and we are loving it! Josh and I have been playing right along with them, it has been such a great activity to play together as a family. I am so addicted! Here a couple of fun pics of the kids playing. Even Emma had to get in on the action!
Even though I should be packing and/or cleaning since we are moving in just a few days, I felt the need to take a bit of a break. The past week has been a little rough on me, and not just because of the move. There are just so many wonderful, and not so wonderful memories in this house. This was our first home as a family, and it is just a little hard for me to let go and move on. My little girl learned to walk and talk in this house, and grew from a little baby to a very independent and strong-willed little girl. It was also my sanctuary of sorts after the miscarriages, my "safe haven", away from the world. Packing has also brought back a flood of emotions. I found some old cards that I had given Josh during different stages of our trying to conceive journey. There was also one that had been given to him "from" Emma asking him for a baby brother! It was really hard for me to remember how excited I was about having another baby. I had to figure out what to do with all my old maternity clothes. Do I give them away, or pack them, or keep them? I am still trying to figure that out. In the end, I decided to pack them up and put them in storage. That leaves them easily accessible(just in case), and yet out of sight so I'm not constantly reminded that I should either have a 4 month baby, or be 7 months pregnant right now.
It just all takes me back to the same question I have been asking myself for the last few months. When to try again? I have been confused on this for quite some time now. A part of me is so anxious to try again, but then that fear creeps in and takes over, and then I want to wait. We still haven't done any of our testing, so obviously we are not currently trying. I am hoping to finally go and get it done and over with next week, once we've finished moving. I have been putting it off for months now, out of fear. But with the desire to be pregnant again getting stronger and stronger every day now, I need to get it done.
In the end, I know this will all be worth it. It's just being in this weird in between state that is making me crazy! I have been feeling more and more optimistic this week, which is a really good sign. I can hear this little voice inside of me telling me "You WILL have another baby!!!". For now, I am listening to it. I have to. I have got to stay positive, for my own state of mind.
Well, I finally decided to enter the world of blogging. I needed to find an outlet to release all my obsessive little thoughts that everyone in my life is probably pretty much sick of hearing( but of course would never to tell me so). So, I will first give a little back story about myself....
I met my first husband in October of 1995 when I was a junior in high school. We got pretty serious rather quickly, but felt we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. In the fall of 1997, he went away to college, and after a few months decided that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship any longer. I was devastated, but shocked when I found out a few months later that I was expecting our first child. I was barely 18 years old at the time. When I was about 4 months along, we decided to get back together, and on July 31, 1998, I have birth to a my first baby girl, Kaylee. We were married on October 3, 1998, and found out we were pregnant again in March of 1999. On November 29, 1999, I gave birth to my sweet little boy, Austin. I felt so blessed for my beautiful children, but something always seemed "off" in my marriage.
The following July, my suspicions were confirmed when he came home and told me he didn't love me anymore, and he was leaving. Yet, we continued to live together for 8 more months, little did I know he was already dating his current wife. I tried desperately to get him to change his mind, but in the end, we divorced. I was devastated and came pretty close to an emotional breakdown. After months of soul searching and lots of praying, I made the painful decision to have our kids live with their dad, most of the time. The next few years were pretty painful as I watched him remarry and another woman take the place that once belonged to me in their lives. No matter how things were between my ex husband and I though, I never let my kids see it or have it affect my relationship with them.
But, in June of 2003, my luck changed. I met a man who would change my life forever. I was magnetically drawn to him, and fell instantly in love. Josh, was a marine, who had gone to the same high school as I had(graduated with my brother), even hung out at the same places, but who I had never seen before. He was home on leave, after serving a 6 month tour in Iraq. It was love at first sight. We were married on December 17, 2004 in a small civil ceremony, with just our closest family and friends. We started trying for a baby right away, and we were ecstatic when we found out we were expecting in late January. But, sadly, the happiness was short lived when we found out via ultrasound that we had miscarried. I was devastated, and sunk into a depression. Luckily, my sadness was short lived, when in the summer of 2005, I found I was expecting! After a complicated pregnancy, and an emergency c-section, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on January 17, 2006. This tiny little girl, Emma, changed my life forever. The healing started to begin, and I finally started forgiving myself for my past mistakes. I felt so blessed to finally have the family that I thought I would never have. Josh had become and amazing step-father and the kids just adored him. We were a happy family of 5.
When Emma was about a year old, we started talking about maybe having another baby. We knew we wanted to wait a little bit (Kaylee and Austin are only 16 months apart, and I didn't want to do that again!), but didn't want too long either. I had always wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30. When Emma turned 2, we decided to start trying, and were thrilled when we were pregnant again on the first try! We were also thrilled when my brother and sister in law announced they were also expecting and we were due the exact same day, October 13, 2008! I started showing pretty quickly, but was a little concerned that I wasn't having any morning sickness, which wasn't like me. Everyone kept trying to reassure me that everything was ok, and maybe I was just getting lucky. On March 10, at 9 weeks along, I went in for a routine ultrasound. Our baby only measured 6 weeks, and had no heartbeat. I was devastated. On March 26, 2008, I had a d&c and said goodbye to our beloved, and much wanted baby. In my heart I felt it was a boy, and so I named him Baby Kelan. The hardest thing for me over the next few months was trying to stay strong as my sister in law's belly grew. In July, we decided to start trying again, but sadly I miscarried very early. I couldn't believe it happened to me again. That was 2 miscarriages in less than 6 months. It was hard for me to not burst into tears when Emma would constantly ask me for a baby sister(she still does actually).
So, now it is the one year anniversary of when we first started trying for another child. In the meantime, I have gone back and forth between wanting to try again, and wanting to give up. We are getting testing done to see if the doctor can find out why I keep miscarrying, but I am fearful of what he might find, or not find for that matter. I am hoping that there is still hope, and we will indeed be blessed with another child.
And that is where the title for my blog came into play, at this moment, my life feels incomplete, and I am trying to overcome that. I am trying to "dance through the rain", find the beauty in my sorrow. I have been trying to give it up to God, and understand that He controls my life, not I. Children are gifts from God, and I know in my heart that He will bless us when He sees it as the right time. I just hope it is sooner rather than later!
