A Mom's Torture Device

If any mom out there has ever exclusively pumped then you can understand how quickly a breast pump can become a torture device. Pumping breastmilk exclusively for your baby can quickly become emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. This usually isn't something a new mom chooses, but stumbles across due to chance or circumstance. For me it started with the premature birth of my son. Because he was in the NICU, I started pumping right away being unable to nurse him. It was tiring, but not too bad. I pumped round the clock in the hospital trying to get my milk to come in, and then once it did I got an amazing sense of accomplishment each time I walked those little bottles of my "liquid gold" down to the NICU to help nourish my tiny baby.
When I came home from the hospital and had to leave my baby behind, pumping was something that kept me emotionally close to him 24-7. It was the one thing I could do to help him get big and strong so he could come home. Over the course of the five weeks he was in the hospital, he started wanting to latch on to me less and less. He became so use to the bottle that it was just too taxing to nurse, and I didn't want him to wear himself out. I finally decided to give up on nursing(although I still try about once a day. Sometimes he will, sometimes he won't) and continue to pump. I've been able to feed him breastmilk exclusively for these past four months and even build a great freezer stash.
But lately I've been having a hard time pumping enough for his daily demands, and I usually have to thaw out one or two bags of frozen milk to make it through the day.
So yesterday I decided to have a pumping marathon! I was going to pump every two hours to see if I could increase my supply back up. I was doing great until early evening. I was about five minutes into pumping when I looked down and saw bright pink milk in the bottle on the left side. I freaked out, stopped pumping and noticed my nipple was bleeding! I was surprised, shocked, and a little grossed out. I put some lanolin on it, switched to a larger horn, and decided to give it a rest for the rest of the night.
I want to quit so bad, but I can't bring myself to do it. The thought of having to give him formula makes me sad. I feel so good about the fact that he is still receiving my milk, and I don't want to lose that! Every time I look at his sweet little rolls, I'm reminded that I did that!! With my provided nutrition he has been able to grow ansd thrive and barely resembles the tiny, scrawny baby he once was.
I guess I'll just take it one day at a time, and try not to be so hard on myself. The older he gets, the easier the pumping will be, and I have to remember that. After all, I can never get this time back and I want no regrets over anything. It's ok for me to hate it, because the amazing feeling I get when I feed him a bottle of my milk overshadows it completely. I won't have to pump forever, but the benefits of him receiving my milk will last a lifetime. That to me is worth it.