30 weeks!!

Just one of the cute 3D pics from today!!

Well, time is really starting to fly now. I am already 30weeks along. I should have the date of my scheduled c-section soon. I went to the doctor today, and everything is going great! I only gained 2lbs in the last 5 weeks...which is a big deal to me since I usually start packing it on towards the end! My weight gain is 20lbs total, which isn't too bad. My blood pressure has still been great, which is a huge relief for me, because of all the problems I had with Emma. His heart rate was measuring at 136BPM. My uterus was measuring at 31cm, which is ok. The doctor guesstimated his weight to be around 3lbs.
We had our 3D ultrasound re-do today. Yes, re-do. Saturday was our appointment and he had his back to us the entire time! Luckily they let us come back today, and he was in a better position. He is so cute already! I was surprised that he already has chubby cheeks, and he looks a lot like Emma.

24 Weeks...

Well, I can't believe I am already 24 weeks pregnant! Time is really starting to fly by...and I just hope it continues this way. Of course, there still is so much left to do and buy, but I'm getting so excited to meet this little guy! I am now finishing up my 2nd trimester, and life is going pretty good. Physically though, this pregnancy is already starting to take it's toll. I am only in my 6th month, and yet I feel like I am about 8 months. My back hurts, my hips ache, and I can only do about 30 minutes of shopping before I need to sit down and take a break. I am having horrible heartburn already, and I'm starting to worry a little bit about how I am going to make it through the 3rd trimester. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to complain, even with all these uncomfortable side effects, I LOVE being pregnant!! Mostly, I'm a little shocked to be so uncomfortable already. I'm not sure if it's just this particular pregnancy, or if it's because it is my 4th and my body has been through this so many times. But either way, I feel as big as a house already, and still have a ton of growing left to do!
Speaking of growing, I am now up 15lbs. Yikes! Although that is exactly as much I am supposed to gain at this point, because I already started out a little overweight, I was hoping to hardly gain anything. Of course, I knew that wasn't going to happen. But, I am gaining it very slow and steady, and hoping it will continue this way. I weigh myself just about every 2 or 3 days to stay on track, so I don't go off course too much. In my other pregnancies, I didn't start gaining anything until this time, and then gained it all in the last trimester(about 30lbs with the last two, 40lbs with the first). I am hoping that I still won't gain a ton in the last trimester on top of what I have already gained!! I'm not worried though. I need to just enjoy it, because once I have the baby, I will be working my butt off getting back into shape. With turning 30 around the corner, looking good and being healthy have become more of a priority that ever. I'm going to have two small children to run after, I better be ready!
As the reality that we will finally be having another baby sets in, so have some emotions that I haven't felt in a while. A part of this still feels to good to be true, and I guess that is to be expected considering what I have been through. I have come close to bursting into tears while on the Stork Tour of the hospital, and I actually shed a few while Josh and I were registering for my baby shower. I just feel so unbelievably blessed, that I don't even know what to do with myself! I already love this boy so very much, and feel such a strong connection to him. He is my miracle baby. He is the baby I never thought I would have. I just can not wait to hold him in my arms! Emma is also starting to feel a little bond with him. She is always coming over to my belly and telling him hi and that she loves him and can't wait to meet him. She will kiss and hug my belly. It is just so cute. I honestly feel that this was the baby I was meant to have, and at this time. It just feels so right.
Well, Kellen, is becoming very active, and now Josh and the kids can feel him kicking too! It is so reassuring to feel him moving all the time, and let's me know that he is doing good. I had wanted to rent a fetal doppler in the beginning, so I could check his heartbeat every day and lessen my worries about miscarrying again, but now, I'm glad that I didn't. Especially after learning I had an anterior placenta, which is why event the doctor had a hard time finding it at 14weeks. I would have made myself worry for nothing. I also have finally decided on where(and how) to have this baby!! It is such a huge relief since I have been going over this ever since I was 8weeks along and found out i couldn't do a VBAC at the hospital where I had Emma. So, after touring the other hospital, and praying about it night after night, I decided to just go ahead with a repeat c-section. I know some people will be disappointed with my decision since a vaginal delivery is so much better, but I know I am making the right decision for me. If I could be guaranteed a vaginal, that would be a different story. But as I saw with Emma's delivery, there is no guarantee when it comes to the labor process! I just am not willing to risk needing a c-section anyways and not being in my hospital of choice. I am nervous about recovering from surgery while taking care of a newborn and almost 4 year old, but I know I can do it. I will family to help, and Josh will be home for a few days. I wish he could take more off, but I know that there are still bills to pay!
So, while this pregnancy might be my most uncomfortable yet, I wouldn't change it for anything. I have never loved, or appreciated being pregnant so much in my entire life! I am going to thoroughly enjoy these last few months, even if I'm in pain and bedridden, because are the very last few months I will ever be pregnant again.

Halfway!!

Here is a picture of our baby boy at 20weeks1day!
Well, I am now officially halfway through this pregnancy! Unofficially, more than halfway(I have never gone past 38weeks). I am 20weeks4days today, and so relieved that everything is going so well. I had my Level 2 ultrasound on Monday, and it looks like we are definitely having a boy! There is no doubt about it! He also is very active, and looks absolutely perfect! I am so happy. All my genetic tests also came back normal. So, now I feel like I can really enjoy the remainder of this pregnancy. I have also gained 10lbs so far, which isn't too bad, but I'm hoping(yeah, right) to only gain about 10lbs more the rest of the pregnancy. We will see about that. As long as I don't gain more than 30lbs total throughout the entire pregnancy, I think I'll be ok. That's about how much I gained with both Austin and Emma, and I gained 40lbs with Kaylee because I was a little underweight when I got pregnant. I basically just try to eat healthy throughout the pregnancy and just let my body gain whatever it's meant to. Luckily, it usually doesn't end up being more than 30lbs.
But, today I'm having a bit of a name dilemma. Why is naming a baby so hard? We pretty much had decided on the name Kellan, but now, I'm not sure. That is the only name we can agree on, so that's a plus. And we both seem to like it. Most people do...although a lot of people just say "that's different" or something like that. Not that I really care what other people think, or anything. I just don't want my child to be teased in school. Although there a lot more strange and unique names out there! I do like the fact that isn't too common, and we really love the meaning. It's Irish and means "mighty warrior". We are also thinking that if we do stick to that name about changing the spelling to Kellen. And it seems most of our family like this spelling better also. So, most likely it will be Kellen, but I guess we're still leaving it open. I just don't know. I guess, we still have 4 more months to really decided.

Well, after months of not being able to agree on any baby names, and starting to worry that this kid was never going to have a name, I think we have finally decided on one!! We will(most likely) be naming our son, Kellan(or Kellen...we can't decide). It is of Celtic origin and means "mighty warrior". So far, our family seems to like it, and I like the fact that isn't too common, but doesn't sound too strange either. I wasn't too fond of the fact that I found out that Emma was the most popular name of 2008. What the heck? I don't know any little girls named Emma, and that is why I named her that. Oh well. I just hope when she goes to school there isn't like 10 other Emma's in her class! Anyways, I am so relieved that we have a name for this baby! I was having dreams that this baby was nameless well into it's first year of life! Now, I just can't wait to meet this little guy and hold my son in my arms!

A few pics...

OUR LITTLE BUTTERBEAN!!
He is using the placenta as a pillow! It's the fuzziness to the left. He also looks like he's smiling!

He is trying to suck his thumb


It's a BOY!! A between the legs shot!



For the rest of the pics youc an check out my Facebook page

Its a.....

BOY!!!!!! That's right! We found out today during a 3D ultrasound that we are indeed having a boy! As you might guess, Josh and I both over the moon and so unbelievably happy. I can not believe how blessed I am feeling. And once again...I was right at predicting the gender!! I have been right 4 out of 4 times. I am pretty proud of myself, thank you. So, the final count is GIRLS:2 BOYS:2. How great is that?
This was my first 3D ultrasound, and it was incredible! Although our little boy is pretty stubborn and mellow, and didn't want to put on much of a "show" for us. He moved a little bit. But pretty much just chilled out a little bit and apparently is using the placenta as a pillow! Unfortunately that caused a lot of the pictures to make his face look a little distorted and fuzzy, but it was cute nonetheless. He also kept trying to suck his thumb. It was amazing.
We go back for another at 30 weeks, and I can't wait to see the difference! We are bringing all the family along, too. But, we are so thrilled that this little boy will be completing our family!! When I get a chance, I'll try to post a few of the pics!

17 weeks!!

So, I can't believe that I have almost made it to just about the middle of my pregnancy. Time is actually starting to fly by...just a little bit. The first trimester dragged as I waited anxiously from ultrasound to ultrasound to make sure that my baby was still alive and growing properly. Now, I am about 17 weeks and everything is going just as it should be. Oddly enough for being a 'high risk pregnancy', this is the most "normal" pregnancy I have ever had with Josh. When I was pregnant with Emma I had a few episodes of pretty significant bleeding before being diagnosed with placenta previa, and then I was put on bedrest. Later on in the pregnancy my blood pressure increased, which of course is why I was induced at 37 weeks pregnant. Now, with this one, so far no bleeding episodes, my placenta is in a normal place, although it's still a little too early to tell if my blood pressure will be high again... so far, so good. My morning sickness is still lingering, but getting much better. I am no longer throwing up every day, but still have some days when I do, and still have lots of bouts of queasiness. But, it's getter better, so I'm hoping it will go away soon.
I'm trying really hard not to worry so much, but I can't really help it. With each passing week, a part of my fear goes away, but seems to just get replaced again. As the fear of another miscarriage starts to dwindle, I am also reminded of the fact that if something else were to go wrong, I might be even more devastated since the further along I get, the more attached to this baby I am. I already love this little guy(or girl) so much, that I don't even know what to with myself! Luckily, I am a woman of faith, and I have faith that this baby is meant to be, and everything will just be fine. But anyone who has ever been pregnant after a loss knows that the fear will never completely go away until that baby is safe in your arms. I'm hoping that within the next few weeks I will start to feel more fetal movement and that will help put my mind at ease. At this point, I have felt a few little nudges, but nothing consistent. I have a feeling the baby is turned inward and that is why I don't feel a lot of the movements. Once I can feel the baby moving on a daily basis, then I will be reassured every single day that the baby is still doing good. Right now it's hard because my last appointment was at 14 weeks, and I don't have another one until 20 weeks!!! The waiting makes me crazy!
It's a little hard to believe that this baby will be here in about 5 months!! After years of waiting, wishing, and hoping(and lots and lots of praying, of course)....only 5 more months to go. My mom did take me shopping this week and we bought a changing table. It's a little surreal to see it in the baby's room. I've been wanting another baby for soooooo long, that it seems very strange to actually be able to start preparing for it. Seriously, I started bugging Josh to have another one when Emma was only 9 months old! So, for about 3 years, my mind has been consumed with the wanting for another child. And now finally...it's happening! I get so overwhelmed with emotion when I really think about that. My mom and I were at lunch the other day, and I started crying! In the middle of Fresh Choice, tears of happiness were running down my face, and I felt like a total goofball. I just feel so blessed, that I am worried this is all a dream that I am going to wake out of. But as my belly swells, and I am reminded that it is real. God has truly blessed me, and I really hope He knows how appreciative I am(of course He does). After all the pain and heartbreak that I have experienced over that last 10 years, I never would have thought I could end up this happy. God sure does know what He is doing...even if we don't realize it at the time. It reminds of a Garth Brooks song. I'm not sure the exact name of it, but in the chorus he sings about thanking God for unanswered prayers. That is so true! It has been a very long and hard road for me to get to where I am today, but there is no way I would have changed it for anything! Thank you Lord, for everything you have given me. I am truly a blessed woman.

OB Visit

Well, I am a little late in posting about my last OB visit, but oh well, who is really going to notice anyways? First off...I can't believe it is already May!! Time is really starting to fly by fast, and before I know it it will be October. I am now 15weeks 3days, and I think I am actually starting to show, depending on what I wear. I'm so glad to finally be starting to actually look pregnant instead of like I have just been eating way too many donuts! Yesterday I wore one of new dresses(so comfortable!) and you could definitely tell I'm pregnant in it. Josh couldn't keep his hands of my belly, it was so cute.
I am getting so anxious for my ultrasound on June 9, that I can hardly contain myself! I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl! Up until about the last month or so, I was certain it was a boy, but now I'm not so sure. Honestly, I don't care either way. I would love another girl(keeping up with the pink and 'Princess' themes would be fun), but at the same time, a boy would be perfect too(2 of each!). So far, I am pretty even on the "old wives' tales" for predicting the gender. I know there is no merit in any of them, but it's still fun! The baby's heartbeat has been consistent with expecting a girl, and I am carrying like a girl, but my cravings have been leaning towards a boy, and so has the fact that I'm not breaking out. I would LOVE to be able to have the patience to wait until D-Day(Delivery Day) to find out the gender, but there is no way. Especially since Josh wants to find out. I can't have him knowing and not me!
Okay, so back to the visit. I can't believe I have already gained 8lbs! I was pretty surprised since I am still having morning sickness too. I know that I am within the normal limits, and I haven't been overeating or anything(some book told me most women have gained 5-10lbs by now), but when I was pregnant with the other kids I didn't start gaining weight until 5 or 6 months along! So to already be gaining weight is a little scary for me. I am now really starting to pay better attention to what I am eating. An added plus is that all I am craving is fruit! I am constantly wanting fruit 24/7 a day! I was craving ice cream, but am now trying to stay from of it. It has been hard though, because one of things that helps settle my stomach is fruity fizzy drinks. I have been getting empty calories from soda drinks. Now I am just trying to drink sparkling water with a little fruit juice in it. Normally, I wouldn't care so much about gaining a little bit of weight while pregnant, but since I'm already about 30lbs over my ideal weight, I am really trying to keep my weight gain down. I don't want to have 80lbs to lose once I have this baby!!! I am hoping to only gain 25lbs, but we will see. I am just going to try to stay healthy and whatever weight I gain, I gain. I am not going to stress over it, or beat myself up over it. I usually gain around 30lbs, so that isn't too bad. I just want to enjoy this pregnancy since it is my very last, and not stress over the small stuff. Like I said, I am just going to eat as healthy as I can, and let nature take it's course.
Back to the appointment... My blood pressure was great, which has been a bit of a worry for me since I had high blood pressure during my pregnancy with Emma(the reason I was induced). I make sure to always ask the nurse what it is, so that I know. I didn't do that last time, and I was pretty surprised when the doctor was worried because my blood pressure had been high during pretty much the whole pregnancy. It was 126/82,this time, so the diastolic(I think that's the bottom number, correct me if I'm wrong) was a tad higher than normal, but since I was nervous(I was by myself and had just been weighed, haha), that is probably why. The doctor came in and talked to me about yet another blood test that I am going to have done to check for certain birth defects(it's like the expanded AFP, but different since I had the First Trimester screen, I can't remember the name of it). Then, she gets her Doppler to listen to the baby's heartbeat. I am so anxious since I have yet to hear it! I have seen it quite a few times during ultrasounds, but have never heard that glorious sound. She starts looking for it, and hears mine, but not the baby's. She keeps looking, and looking, and looking. She checks where the top of my uterus is, and then tries again. Nothing. I am trying not to panic right now, and I just keep praying that she finds it. She starts to look concerned, and then says that she is just going to check it on the ultrasound machine. I can not believe this happening! In my heart, I know everything is okay, but i am still concerned. So we go into the ultrasound room, and the first thing she sees is the baby's heartbeat! The little stubborn thing was hiding in the corner, and she said that are usually right in the middle, that's why she couldn't find it. Thank you Jesus! His or Her little heartbeat was a perfect 151BPM!
I also talked to her about the possibility of a VBAC. Ever since we decided to just do a repeat c-section, I have been starting to have anxiety over it. I had a friend who had hers scheduled at 15weeks, so I was worried that my decision needed to be made now. Thankfully, it does not. She told me they don't usually schedule it until around 30weeks, so I have a good 3 or so months to fully make up my mind. Good luck. I am pretty much the most indecisive person I know, so I could have all the time in the world, and still not have my mind made up. If I could have the VBAC at the hospital I had Emma at, then my decision would be made. The problem is that I can't, so I would have to have it a different hospital, that I have never delivered at. I have also heard mixed reviews about that hospital, although my doctor assured me that it is just a good a hospital as the other one. My biggest fear though, is that I will have prepared for a VBAC, labored, and then end up needing a c-section anyways. But, that is the chance I have to be willing to take. It's just that anyone who has delivered both vaginally and by c-section, knows how entirely different those experiences are. I hated the fact that I barely got to see Emma after her birth, and that I didn't even get to hold her until 4 hours later! I hated the fact that I was in so much pain for a month afterwards, and that I was so drugged up with painkillers for the first 2 or 3 weeks that I could barely keep my eyes open. I also don't want to be away from Emma for 4 days while I'm in the hospital. I am just really confused. After watching many shows of women laboring and delivering, a c-section doesn't look too bad!! I haven't vaginally delivered a baby in almost 10 years, so I'm not quite sure how many body could handle it. But, I do remember, very clearly, how disappointed I was in not being able to deliver Emma vaginally, and that might end up being the deciding factor. Of course, after I do a stork tour of the other hospital, then I will know for sure. If I don't like it, then it will be a scheduled c-section. Of course I do realize that the baby will actually be the one that decides which way it's coming out, just as Emma decided. I labored with her until I was 8cm dilated, but she was not tolerating labor, and so the doctor decided to do an emergency c-section. Of course, she was worth all of it! I know in the end, no matter which way this baby comes out, it will all be worth it. By the time this baby is born, it will have been 2 years since we started trying for another baby. After 2 very long years, and 2 very painful losses, I am just going to be so happy to have this baby in my arms that it will not matter to me which way they come out!
So, now the countdown is 5 weeks until we(hopefully) find out if it's a little girl or boy in there! I really hope the baby is cooperative and not shy! Emma was a little shy at her 20 week ultrasound and the tech wasn't too sure about whether it was a girl or not. But, since I just knew it was, I was already certain when she said it looked like it might be a girl. I will also be getting a 3D/4D ultrasound this time(Yay!!) so we will know for sure before the baby is born. I have never had one in any of my pregnancies, so I am pretty excited about it. Plus, it will be nice for Emma to see the baby, since she can't go to any of my appointments with me. In just a few days I will have another month down, and be officially 4 months pregnant! Woo-hoo!

In Bloom...

With Spring now in full bloom, it seems as if my body is following right along with it. My belly is starting to swell, and I am now completely in maternity clothes. Aagh...the comfort of elastic waistbands and drawstring pants! But let me tell you, nothing is nearly as comfortable as the maxi dress. Boy, am I glad that this trend is in right now! More fashionable than a moo moo, but just as comfortable. I have a feeling I will be living in these all summer long. I have gotten four different ones so far, and I'm planning on getting more. Of course with the recent cool down, I am back to my maternity jeans, but I have no doubt that these dresses will be completely worn out by the time of delivery. I just love them!!
I am also starting to get a little nervous about certain things. Although now that I am entering my second trimester, and my risk of miscarriage has dramatically decreased, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Sadly, it has been replaced with the acknowledgement and fear that I really am having another baby. As thrilled and excited as I am, I am also a little scared. Will I be able to put up with the demands of taking care of a tween, adolescent, active toddler and a newborn, all while recovering from a c-section? I didn't think I would be so nervous about the thought of another c-section. But I am. I am scared of being in the hospital for four days away from Emma. I have never been away from her for more than eight or so hours(that's while I was working), let alone four whole days. I am scared that I will be in just as much pain as I was after the c-section last time. Although I have heard that recovery from a repeat section is easier than a first time emergency section. I am also a little sad that Emma wil no longer be the baby, and it will no longer just be her and I during most days. Don't get me wrong, we are all excited about this baby(especially Emma), but it's still a little hard to let go. I know she is going to take on the role of big sister with complete enthusiasm and ease. Although she might need a little time to get used to the fact that mommy won't be able to jump up and do what she wants at the exact time she wants it done. But, that is an important lesson for her to learn anyways. The funniest thing is that Emma has even been pretending to pregnant too! She puts her baby under shirt and walks around saying she's pregnant. It's hilarious! I know from experience that I will love this baby just as much as my other children, and I feel so lucky that I am even able to carry him or her. After so much heartache this past year, I really never thought my dream would actually come true. I just can't wait to meet this little one that will complete our family. Yep, this will be our last baby, and I am so thankful to the Lord for bringing this baby to us.
I am also very excited because I have an OB appointent on Monday and I get to hear the heartbeat for the very first time! I have already seen it three times, but I have yet to actually hear it. This will be the first OB check up since Josh and I have been married that I will be attending by myself. We do not have a sitter for Emma and the office does not allow young children, so he will be home with her while I go. The only thing I dread is getting on that scale! I haven't gained much, but am really surprised that I have gained any at all, since not only have I been still having morning sickness, but I don't usually gain weight until the fifth or sixth month. Of course, I'm sure most of the few pounds I have gained is in my bra since I have already gone up about three bra sizes! I am not sure if it has anything to do with the progesterone supplements or not. But thank God I get to stop taking those! I have been feeling so much better. Even though I am still getting sick, I have more energy and am not having nearly as much irritability and mood swings.
So everything has been going right along as expected and I have even started feeling little flutters!!! That is the most amazing thing in the world. I just feel so amazingly blessed, and I know that seems to be a recurring theme, but I can't help it. It is the truth.

12 weeks!!

Introducing....Butterbean! I can not believe that I am almost finished with my first trimester already. Finally! I had my NT scan yesterday, and I must say that I was so incredibly nervous that something had happened to the baby between now and my last ultrasound four weeks ago. Even though my morning sickness is in full swing still, and my belly is starting to swell, I was still so terrified that I would receive not so great news during this ultrasound. But lo and behold, I got to see the most beautiful sight of my sweet little baby jumping and squirming all around! It truly is a miracle. I just feel so incredibly blessed that I don't even know what to do with myself. His(or her) heart rate was 180 BPM!! Which I actually thought was a little high, but the tech assured me that it is perfectly normal at this stage as it peaks about this time after it first started beating and then within the next few weeks will slow down a bit to around 120-160. But, we are definitely going to have our work cut out for us if this baby in utero is any indiction of what he will be like once he is born!
Now I just have to wait 8 more weeks to find out if it's going to be a boy or girl! Which actually is getting a little hard to be patient since I'm starting to get anxious to start shopping! At least I can start stocking up on diapers and wipes, and stuff like that....and I am in desperate need of maternity clothes! I am planning on buying at least one package of diapers everytime I go to the store, that way by the time the baby comes, in around 6 months or so, we won't have to buy any diapers for a while. Or at least for a few weeks....lol. I just feel like I have so much to do, and no energy to do it. I still am so tired all the time, and between me being sick last week, and Emma also, it has drained me even more. I am hoping that with my second trimester right around the corner(just 4 days away!), I will start feeling better. Or at least I'm supposed to, right? I stop taking my progesterone supplements soon, so I'm hoping that will help too.
We also are stuck on boy names. We already have a name picked out for a girl(for the most part. If it actually is a girl, we might end up changing our minds). But, since I am convinced it's a boy, I am starting to stress a little bit that Josh and I can not decide on a boy name at all! He hates all the names I like, and I'm not too fond of the ones he likes either. I am so jealous because my brother and future sister in law already have their names picked out...and she is 3 weeks behind me. I guess we have plenty of time, and once we know for sure what the gender of the baby is we can really get down to business.
So, everything is going absolutely great, and I am hoping that I can finally start to relax a bit and enjoy the remainder of my very last pregnancy. Of course, that is easier said that done, and anyone who has ever lost a baby understands this. I will never be totally at ease until this sweet little bundle of joy is in my arms. I am just so very thankful for this little miracle, and pray every day that God will continue to watch over him or her.

First OB Visit

Well, I had my first "official" OB visit yesterday. Woo hoo! I haven't made it this far, in a very long time! I was a nervous wreck, of course since this was a big deal for me. Even though we have already seen the baby's heartbeat, I have still been a little worried. This just all seems too good to be true. Anyways, we get to the appointment, and I am trying to remain calm relaxed. I called, and weighed(only 1lb gain so far, not too bad), and we go into the exam room. After waiting a few minutes for the doctor to come in, I start to feel like I need to use the restroom, but since I just used it prior to give my urine sample, I don't really worry about it too much. The doctor comes in and starts to do the ultrasound. He isn't talking, or taking pictures. I am starting to freak out a little bit. Then he tells me that my bladder is full so he can't really see anything(it is a transvaginal u/s). So, I'll need to use the restroom again. He leaves the room and I start to get dressed asking Josh what he saw on the ultrasound screen. The screen was turned away from me towards the doctor and Josh was sitting in a chair over by him, so he would have been able to see the screen. He tells me he couldn't see anything. I'm like ,"What? There was nothing there?". Then he says, "I don't know, but there was nothing there". Now, I'm starting to panic and think, "This is not happening again!". I use the restroom and use all my power to make sure my bladder is completely empty. I get back in the exam room, and the doctor comes in and starts the ultrasound again. I can hear him clicking buttons and taking pictures this time, but he still isn't saying anything! I can not breathe at this point. Then finally he asks Josh to come over by me so he can show us both at the same time. The moment of truth. Then he shows our little baby!!! Whew...sigh of relief. Our cute little baby(which resembled a gummy bear this time instead of a bean), looked perfect and had a nice strong heartbeat of 156 BPM. I am in tears at this point. But, it is measuring four days smaller(so did the u/s a few weeks ago at the perinatologist), so my due date has been pushed back. I also will not be able to deliver via VBAC at the hospital I want to deliver at, so I will be having a scheduled C-section. I have mixed feelings on that, but the only hospital that will let me do a VBAC, is not where I want to deliver. I just really don't want to be away from Emma for four days! But, it will be easier for Josh to schedule his vacation for the same time, so I guess it will have to do. I am on Cloud 9, and feel like I'm finally getting my happy ending! I guess fairy tales sometimes do come true!

Genetic Counselor Appointment

So, yesterday we had our appointment with the Genetic Counselor, and it went pretty well. First of all, my doctor told me wrong and it's not a balanced translocation that Josh carries, but a paracentric inversion. It is still a chromosomal abnormality, but totally different. It only involves one of his chromosomes(4), and even though it still has a very high risk for a miscarriage, it's not as high as the balanced translocation, so that's good. I won't really go into detail what exactly the paracentric inversion is, but it is still that he is perfectly healthy and it poses no health risk to him and only affects his sperm cells. But, the Genetic Counselor was really nice and went over everything with us and answered any questions. It was also nice to have more information. It was a little reality check though being in an office that says right on the door "High Risk OB". It's official. I will be seeing the Perinatalogist(spelling?) throughout my pregnancy along with my regular OB.
So, after we talked with the Genetic Counselor, she asked me if I have had any ultrasounds with this pregnancy so far. I told her, no. So she suggested that I have an ultrasound so that the pregnancy can be dated, and all that. Ok...panic attack! I was not prepared for the possibilty of an ultrasound at all! Luckily, I was not alone, Josh was with me. Last year, I was alone in the doctor's office when I found out I had lost my baby, not a good feeling. Anyways, Josh is trying to reassure me that everything is going to be fine. I have been having morning sickness and we have all been praying like crazy! We go into the ultrasound room, and the tech starts asking me a few questions. It is actually kind of nice already being in a high risk ob, because she is used to people like me. I am not a "normal" pregnant woman anymore. I have lost more pregnancies than I have delivered. Anyways, she tells me that she wants to take a few pics transabdominally, but that since I'm only 7 weeks along, we will see the baby better with a transvaginal ultrasound. That is fine with me, since my bladder is already about to burst! I told her the most important thing for me to see is my little baby's heartbeat. She understands and starts the ultrasound. I seriously can not breath at this point, and then she says the most wonderful words I have ever heard in my life, "I see a heartbeat!". Yes!!! Praise God!!! Butterbean, as we have been referring to him(or her), had a wonderful strong heartbeat of 125 BPM!!!! I am so unbelievably happy right now. I have been through so much to get to this point, and had doubts that this would ever really happen. So now it's official...we are having a baby!
The timing is ironic, since it has been almost a year exactly that I found out I had lost my baby. It was March 10, 2008, that my whole world was turned upside down. Since then we lost another pregnancy, and I had pretty much given up when we found out we were expecting again on Valentine's Day. Then, just about a week later we got the devastating news that my husband carries a chromosome abnormality. It has been such a roller coaster ride, and I'm sure it will continue, but at least now I can relax a bit that this baby is healthy. God is good! When I stopped trying to control the situation myself, and gave it all to Him, it is AMAZING what happened! He blessed us!!!! I truly am feeling amazingly blessed at this moment. Emma is so excited to be a big sister that she is talking about in her sleep! No joke...the other night at around 3am, I heard her saying in her sleep twice, "I'm going to be a big sister!", and then nothing. She has also been talking to the baby through my belly. It is too cute.
I have my first OB appointment on the 16th, and I'll be just about 9 weeks and I'll get another ultrasound. Then, on April 13, I'll go back to the Perinatalogist and have a First Trimester screening(blood work with an ultrasound). The only sort of genetic testing I want in this pregnancy is bloodwork and ultrasounds. I already told them I am not doing anything invasive. I told them I am not doing an amniocentisis(spelling?), or a CVS. I am NOT going to risk miscarrying a healthy baby! I am not worried about birth defects since more than likely if something was wrong with the baby, it is never even viable(that's why I always have miscarried early).
But, we are so thrilled that this baby is healthy and can't wait to meet him or her. Now, I just need to get through the next 4 or 5 weeks, then I can REALLY relax!

Surprise, surprise

Well, we finally recieved our test results, and they were not at all what I thought they would be. Everything on me came back normal, but my husband is a carrier of a type of chromosomal abnormality called a Balanced Translocation. Basically, one of his chromosomes is broken off and reattached to another one. Since all the genetic material is there, he is completely normal and healthy, and it poses no health risk to him. But, what it does affect is his reproductive cells. So in a pregnancy, we have a 50% chance of miscarrying, a 25% chance that the baby will be normal, and a 25% chance that the baby will be normal but carry the same balanced translocation. We have an appointment with a Genetic Counselor on March 5, and we will have more information then.
It is a little strange though because finally have these results has been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Even though it is not something I would choose(obviously), at least now I know what has caused our miscarriages, and it is nothing I could control! There is absolutely nothing that I could have done to prevent them. So I can stop blaming myself and feeling guilty. It just all depends on which sperm fertlizes the egg. But the big issue right now? I am already pregnant. Surprise!! I found I was pregnant on Valentine's Day. It was a huge shock for all of us, since we were not trying. So now that makes all this a little more complicated. If I had had these results in December, I would never allowed myself to get pregnant, so maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Going into a pregnancy, a 50% chance of having a baby, is not good statistics. But already being pregnant, I am clinging on to that 50%. I have my first ultrasound on March 16, and I am praying for a nice strong heartbeat.
I did do a little bit of research, and we can have a healthy pregnancy(we have had one), but we are just at a much higher risk for miscarriages than the average couple. I did read on one website, that at some point the odds are in favor of a healthy pregnancy, and since we had two miscarriages this past year, I am hoping this is our time. So far, I am having good symptoms, so I am feeling very hopeful. I will be 6 weeks tomorrow, and so far there has been no spotting, I starting to have morning sickness, and major breast enlargment and tenderness(sorry, that is probably TMI). So that is a very good sign! The only thing I can do right now is pray, pray, and pray some more.

Update

So, we're all moved in and everything, but still have no internet hooked up! I am having some serious internet withdrawals, but I'm getting so much stuff done! I am over at my brother's using his computer to get my fix, so I thought I would update. But, the move went well, and Emma has never been happier! She is loving her new pink room, and also the fact that she can play in it all day long! Our previous house was a two story and I never did install a safety gate at the top of the stairs so she was never allowed to play in her room unless me or Josh was in there with her. She is definitely loving her new found freedom! So far so good. Josh has knocked off about twenty minutes off his commute and is really enjoying his new job site. He will be much happier when we move over there, but for now he is content.
We are finally going to get our testing done tomorrow! I am so relieved, but also a little nervous. According to certain statistics, if all of our blood work comes back normal then we only have a 60% to 70% chance of having successful pregnancy. If something is found that can be treated, then we are no more likely to miscarry than someone who has no previous miscarriages(or only one, since they are the same). So, I guess I am kind of hoping that something will come back as abnormal, but hope it is something that is easily treated(such as a blood clotting disorder). We will just have to wait and see! After my doctor gets all of our test results back then I can talk to him about what I can do to help my chances of carrying my next pregnancy to term. Please keep us in your prayers! ......and here's to hoping third time is the charm!

Show and Tell: My very first

So, for my very first Show and Tell, I thought I would post this, it's apparently what our next baby will look like according to Volkswagen! I saw this on a friend's blog and that it was kind of cute. He's pretty goofy looking, but not too bad, but I don't know where he got those ears from! Neither Josh nor I have ears like that. Oh, well. Happy Sunday!

Make your own here

Check what everyone else is Showing and Telling today!

I think it's time...

Lately I have been thinking a lot about trying again for another baby. I feel I am now at the point where my desire to have a baby is greater than my fear of losing another one. I am a woman on a mission! I am determined to make the next pregnancy stick! Or at least, I will do my part. We are hoping to finally go and get all our testing done next week. The doctor feels everything will come back normal, but at least we will know for sure if there is a cause for these miscarriages. One thing that the doctor is pretty sure about is that it is somehow related to Josh, since I didn't have any miscarriages with my ex. He doesn't think that there is something "wrong" with him, but more like us as a combination. He feels that maybe my body is for some reason fighting off Josh's babies, so to speak. Having had high blood pressure when I was pregnant with Emma is also an indication. Regardless, I am optimistic that we can and will have another baby! One treatment option that has shown some success in these type of situations is baby aspirin and progesterone supplements. It's one of those things that can't hurt, and might help. I am all for it!
There is a possibility that maybe my body has just changed. I was reading an article about the recent birth of Lisa Marie Presley's twin girls. In it she stated that she had suffered many miscarriages after having two kids years ago(they are now teenagers) and didn't know why. She later found out that over time her blood had thickened, causing blood clots, and that was the cause. She was put on blood thinners, and conceived her twins quickly after that. Her story really gave me hope! It is possible(and highly likely) that is what is going on with me, although who knows why. Of course, I am not a doctor and I am not trying to diagnose myself, but it does help to hear success stories. I am pretty much certain that it is some sort of blood clotting issue since the only successful pregnancy I have had with Josh did consist of high blood pressure, which my doctor said goes along with a blood clotting issue. All this I will discuss with my doctor after he gets all my tests results, and we know for sure if there is anything going on. Who knows? Maybe we've just had "bad luck" and we just need to keep trying. Regardless, I WILL have a baby at the end of this! I'm not sure how many more miscarriages I will have to endure(hopefully none), but I will keep trying. I know that is what I am supposed to do. It just feels right.
So, in the meantime, I am trying to get my body healthier. Caffeine and alcohol are both linked to miscarriage, so I am going to cut those out completely. The alcohol shouldn't be an issue. I usually only drink about once every few weeks or so as it is, and I can just take a hot bath to give the same effect as that glass(or two) of wine. But the caffeine....now that is going to be a whole different story! I have a serious coffee addiction! I don't drink a lot of coffee, just maybe one or two cups a day, but I get some serious withdrawals when I don't have any. I get cranky, irritable, and a headache that lasts for 3 days. It is horrible, so I am just going to try to wean myself off slowly. For my family's sake, more so than mine! I'm adding more physical activity to my day, to help me lose a few pound first, and to keep me healthier overall. I have never stopped taking prenatal vitamins, so I am going to continue taking those. I also am taking extra folic acid, and vitamins B6, B12, C, and E, along with the baby aspirin.
So, I am sending positive thoughts out into the universe, and letting nature take it's course. It will happen when it's meant to, even if it is not on my time table. Apparently, that seems to be they way everything that is worth it in my life goes! I guess God really does know what's best for me, and I know when the time is right, He will work His miracle!

Rock on!

For Christmas this year we bought the kids "Rock Band 2", and we are loving it! Josh and I have been playing right along with them, it has been such a great activity to play together as a family. I am so addicted! Here a couple of fun pics of the kids playing. Even Emma had to get in on the action!

A rough week

Even though I should be packing and/or cleaning since we are moving in just a few days, I felt the need to take a bit of a break. The past week has been a little rough on me, and not just because of the move. There are just so many wonderful, and not so wonderful memories in this house. This was our first home as a family, and it is just a little hard for me to let go and move on. My little girl learned to walk and talk in this house, and grew from a little baby to a very independent and strong-willed little girl. It was also my sanctuary of sorts after the miscarriages, my "safe haven", away from the world. Packing has also brought back a flood of emotions. I found some old cards that I had given Josh during different stages of our trying to conceive journey. There was also one that had been given to him "from" Emma asking him for a baby brother! It was really hard for me to remember how excited I was about having another baby. I had to figure out what to do with all my old maternity clothes. Do I give them away, or pack them, or keep them? I am still trying to figure that out. In the end, I decided to pack them up and put them in storage. That leaves them easily accessible(just in case), and yet out of sight so I'm not constantly reminded that I should either have a 4 month baby, or be 7 months pregnant right now.
It just all takes me back to the same question I have been asking myself for the last few months. When to try again? I have been confused on this for quite some time now. A part of me is so anxious to try again, but then that fear creeps in and takes over, and then I want to wait. We still haven't done any of our testing, so obviously we are not currently trying. I am hoping to finally go and get it done and over with next week, once we've finished moving. I have been putting it off for months now, out of fear. But with the desire to be pregnant again getting stronger and stronger every day now, I need to get it done.
In the end, I know this will all be worth it. It's just being in this weird in between state that is making me crazy! I have been feeling more and more optimistic this week, which is a really good sign. I can hear this little voice inside of me telling me "You WILL have another baby!!!". For now, I am listening to it. I have to. I have got to stay positive, for my own state of mind.

Here it goes...

Well, I finally decided to enter the world of blogging. I needed to find an outlet to release all my obsessive little thoughts that everyone in my life is probably pretty much sick of hearing( but of course would never to tell me so). So, I will first give a little back story about myself....
I met my first husband in October of 1995 when I was a junior in high school. We got pretty serious rather quickly, but felt we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. In the fall of 1997, he went away to college, and after a few months decided that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship any longer. I was devastated, but shocked when I found out a few months later that I was expecting our first child. I was barely 18 years old at the time. When I was about 4 months along, we decided to get back together, and on July 31, 1998, I have birth to a my first baby girl, Kaylee. We were married on October 3, 1998, and found out we were pregnant again in March of 1999. On November 29, 1999, I gave birth to my sweet little boy, Austin. I felt so blessed for my beautiful children, but something always seemed "off" in my marriage.
The following July, my suspicions were confirmed when he came home and told me he didn't love me anymore, and he was leaving. Yet, we continued to live together for 8 more months, little did I know he was already dating his current wife. I tried desperately to get him to change his mind, but in the end, we divorced. I was devastated and came pretty close to an emotional breakdown. After months of soul searching and lots of praying, I made the painful decision to have our kids live with their dad, most of the time. The next few years were pretty painful as I watched him remarry and another woman take the place that once belonged to me in their lives. No matter how things were between my ex husband and I though, I never let my kids see it or have it affect my relationship with them.
But, in June of 2003, my luck changed. I met a man who would change my life forever. I was magnetically drawn to him, and fell instantly in love. Josh, was a marine, who had gone to the same high school as I had(graduated with my brother), even hung out at the same places, but who I had never seen before. He was home on leave, after serving a 6 month tour in Iraq. It was love at first sight. We were married on December 17, 2004 in a small civil ceremony, with just our closest family and friends. We started trying for a baby right away, and we were ecstatic when we found out we were expecting in late January. But, sadly, the happiness was short lived when we found out via ultrasound that we had miscarried. I was devastated, and sunk into a depression. Luckily, my sadness was short lived, when in the summer of 2005, I found I was expecting! After a complicated pregnancy, and an emergency c-section, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on January 17, 2006. This tiny little girl, Emma, changed my life forever. The healing started to begin, and I finally started forgiving myself for my past mistakes. I felt so blessed to finally have the family that I thought I would never have. Josh had become and amazing step-father and the kids just adored him. We were a happy family of 5.
When Emma was about a year old, we started talking about maybe having another baby. We knew we wanted to wait a little bit (Kaylee and Austin are only 16 months apart, and I didn't want to do that again!), but didn't want too long either. I had always wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30. When Emma turned 2, we decided to start trying, and were thrilled when we were pregnant again on the first try! We were also thrilled when my brother and sister in law announced they were also expecting and we were due the exact same day, October 13, 2008! I started showing pretty quickly, but was a little concerned that I wasn't having any morning sickness, which wasn't like me. Everyone kept trying to reassure me that everything was ok, and maybe I was just getting lucky. On March 10, at 9 weeks along, I went in for a routine ultrasound. Our baby only measured 6 weeks, and had no heartbeat. I was devastated. On March 26, 2008, I had a d&c and said goodbye to our beloved, and much wanted baby. In my heart I felt it was a boy, and so I named him Baby Kelan. The hardest thing for me over the next few months was trying to stay strong as my sister in law's belly grew. In July, we decided to start trying again, but sadly I miscarried very early. I couldn't believe it happened to me again. That was 2 miscarriages in less than 6 months. It was hard for me to not burst into tears when Emma would constantly ask me for a baby sister(she still does actually).
So, now it is the one year anniversary of when we first started trying for another child. In the meantime, I have gone back and forth between wanting to try again, and wanting to give up. We are getting testing done to see if the doctor can find out why I keep miscarrying, but I am fearful of what he might find, or not find for that matter. I am hoping that there is still hope, and we will indeed be blessed with another child.
And that is where the title for my blog came into play, at this moment, my life feels incomplete, and I am trying to overcome that. I am trying to "dance through the rain", find the beauty in my sorrow. I have been trying to give it up to God, and understand that He controls my life, not I. Children are gifts from God, and I know in my heart that He will bless us when He sees it as the right time. I just hope it is sooner rather than later!