Here it goes...

Well, I finally decided to enter the world of blogging. I needed to find an outlet to release all my obsessive little thoughts that everyone in my life is probably pretty much sick of hearing( but of course would never to tell me so). So, I will first give a little back story about myself....
I met my first husband in October of 1995 when I was a junior in high school. We got pretty serious rather quickly, but felt we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. In the fall of 1997, he went away to college, and after a few months decided that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship any longer. I was devastated, but shocked when I found out a few months later that I was expecting our first child. I was barely 18 years old at the time. When I was about 4 months along, we decided to get back together, and on July 31, 1998, I have birth to a my first baby girl, Kaylee. We were married on October 3, 1998, and found out we were pregnant again in March of 1999. On November 29, 1999, I gave birth to my sweet little boy, Austin. I felt so blessed for my beautiful children, but something always seemed "off" in my marriage.
The following July, my suspicions were confirmed when he came home and told me he didn't love me anymore, and he was leaving. Yet, we continued to live together for 8 more months, little did I know he was already dating his current wife. I tried desperately to get him to change his mind, but in the end, we divorced. I was devastated and came pretty close to an emotional breakdown. After months of soul searching and lots of praying, I made the painful decision to have our kids live with their dad, most of the time. The next few years were pretty painful as I watched him remarry and another woman take the place that once belonged to me in their lives. No matter how things were between my ex husband and I though, I never let my kids see it or have it affect my relationship with them.
But, in June of 2003, my luck changed. I met a man who would change my life forever. I was magnetically drawn to him, and fell instantly in love. Josh, was a marine, who had gone to the same high school as I had(graduated with my brother), even hung out at the same places, but who I had never seen before. He was home on leave, after serving a 6 month tour in Iraq. It was love at first sight. We were married on December 17, 2004 in a small civil ceremony, with just our closest family and friends. We started trying for a baby right away, and we were ecstatic when we found out we were expecting in late January. But, sadly, the happiness was short lived when we found out via ultrasound that we had miscarried. I was devastated, and sunk into a depression. Luckily, my sadness was short lived, when in the summer of 2005, I found I was expecting! After a complicated pregnancy, and an emergency c-section, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on January 17, 2006. This tiny little girl, Emma, changed my life forever. The healing started to begin, and I finally started forgiving myself for my past mistakes. I felt so blessed to finally have the family that I thought I would never have. Josh had become and amazing step-father and the kids just adored him. We were a happy family of 5.
When Emma was about a year old, we started talking about maybe having another baby. We knew we wanted to wait a little bit (Kaylee and Austin are only 16 months apart, and I didn't want to do that again!), but didn't want too long either. I had always wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30. When Emma turned 2, we decided to start trying, and were thrilled when we were pregnant again on the first try! We were also thrilled when my brother and sister in law announced they were also expecting and we were due the exact same day, October 13, 2008! I started showing pretty quickly, but was a little concerned that I wasn't having any morning sickness, which wasn't like me. Everyone kept trying to reassure me that everything was ok, and maybe I was just getting lucky. On March 10, at 9 weeks along, I went in for a routine ultrasound. Our baby only measured 6 weeks, and had no heartbeat. I was devastated. On March 26, 2008, I had a d&c and said goodbye to our beloved, and much wanted baby. In my heart I felt it was a boy, and so I named him Baby Kelan. The hardest thing for me over the next few months was trying to stay strong as my sister in law's belly grew. In July, we decided to start trying again, but sadly I miscarried very early. I couldn't believe it happened to me again. That was 2 miscarriages in less than 6 months. It was hard for me to not burst into tears when Emma would constantly ask me for a baby sister(she still does actually).
So, now it is the one year anniversary of when we first started trying for another child. In the meantime, I have gone back and forth between wanting to try again, and wanting to give up. We are getting testing done to see if the doctor can find out why I keep miscarrying, but I am fearful of what he might find, or not find for that matter. I am hoping that there is still hope, and we will indeed be blessed with another child.
And that is where the title for my blog came into play, at this moment, my life feels incomplete, and I am trying to overcome that. I am trying to "dance through the rain", find the beauty in my sorrow. I have been trying to give it up to God, and understand that He controls my life, not I. Children are gifts from God, and I know in my heart that He will bless us when He sees it as the right time. I just hope it is sooner rather than later!